North Korea successfully test-crashes seven ballistic missiles

North Korea has conducted successful test crashes of seven ballistic missiles, according to the North Korean state-run newspaper, the Pyongyang Gleaner & Taedong Shopping News.

One of the missiles, believed to be a Longdong-A ballistic missile, was photographed as it corkscrewed through the sky, flipped, and smashed sidelong into the Sea of Japan. “It was meant to do that,” said Lieutenant-Colonel-Journalist Kim Dog Park, a spokescomrade for the Korean Central News Agency. “North Korea has now proved to the world its mastery of corkscrew flight, evasive flipping, and side-impact technology. And not going off.”

A second missile was then launched from cliffs overlooking the sea. After clearing the gantry with a brief burst of flame, the missile’s rocket engines stopped, and it tumbled silently into the water. “This was a stealth missile,” explained Lt-Col Park. “It will steadfastly patrol undetected beneath the waves, ready at any moment to take action against foreign provocations or US aggressors.”

The next missile exploded on the launch pad, igniting the four adjacent missiles in a ball of flame that was visible 100 km away. Said Park, “This was a glorious demonstration of the missiles’ short-range capabilities. Only North Korean missiles can work together to destroy nearby targets. Enemy spies beware!”

The missile tests follow recent test flights for a North Korean manned space mission, in which North Korea successfully scattered body parts across the Yellow Sea.