Earth to freeze – Climate skeptics thrilled

Our planet is doomed to freeze into a lifeless, icy sphere, say researchers. The new results overturn previous studies which had mistakenly predicted a global rise in temperature.

The new results show that earth’s temperatures will go into freefall, freezing the oceans, and the air we breathe. The changes will utterly destroy all life on earth.

Delighted climate change skeptics are claiming victory in the long-running debate over global warming.

“We’ve been saying all along that the climate scientists had their numbers wrong,” said Roger Oakenshield, a spokesman for the Heartland Institute. “Now, after all the denials, we have hard proof that we are right. This is a wonderful, wonderful day.”

In its 2007 report, the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) predicted a rise in temperature of between 1.1 to 2.9 °C during the 21st century. Red-faced scientists now admit that these figures were seriously flawed.

“It should have said that the temperature would change TO between 1.1 and 2.9 degrees,” said IPCC spokesmen Adam Leaff. “And it’s not degrees Celsius, it’s degrees Kelvin. It means our planet’s temperature will fall close to absolute zero. The atmosphere will freeze into a crust of nitrogen-oxygen ice. All life on earth is doomed.”

At the Heartland Institute, the mood was ebullient. “We are going to party like there’s no tomorrow – which, from the look of it, there isn’t!” crowed Oakenshield. “We’ve been saying all along that the best strategy is one of no regrets. The bleeding heart hippies were wrong, and we were right. We were absolutely right. We were positively right. That feels pretty good right now.”

The new report predicts that before the great freeze, the Earth will undergo catastrophic ocean changes which will destroy all human life. Many of these changes were previously overlooked due to problems translating imperial units to metric.

“We announced that the oceans would rise by 3.1 mm next year,” Leaff announced, to a hushed room. “We all assumed mm meant millimeters. It now appears that the scientist who compiled the data used mm to mean ‘million miles’. Next year, this vast mega-tsunami will destroy the surface features or our world, then splash out beyond the moon’s orbit, before evaporating in the vacuum of space.”

When presented with the latest IPCC forecast, Oakenshield commented, “Sounds like these so-called scientists should have stuck to good old American miles instead of switching to that socialist metric those European scientists are so in love with. But I guess we can all bury the hatchet, what with the world ending in a year. And, just so it’s not forgotten, that’s a year during which we will remain right, right right.”