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Christian leader says Star Wars not “a long time ago”

Star_Wars_BibleRev. John Towers of Raysville, Kentucky is up in arms against the movie Star Wars, claiming that the film is contrary to the teachings of the Bible.

The minister’s anger is directed at the film’s famous opening words – “A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away”.

“This is a lie foisted on the credulous masses by scientists at Industrial Light and Magic,” says Towers. “It did not happen a long time ago. According to Scripture, the events in Star Wars occurred in the early 1930s.”

Towers, pastor of the 3,000 member Jesus Is Lord Evangelical Assembly Church of the Jedi, has spent thirty years painstakingly connecting the events in the six Star Wars films with those in the Bible.

“Those desert nomads, the Jawas, are obviously the Jews. And Obi-Wan represents the prophet Obadiah. And R2 is Aaron. Or maybe Artaxerxes. Or someone with a 2 in their name, like Ramses the Second.”

Towers has calculated just how “long ago” the events took place.

“Everything you need to know about the timing of Star Wars can be found in Scripture,” said Towers. “Specifically, Genesis 5:6 – ‘And Seth lived an hundred and five years, and begat Enos’.”

Towers maintains that the biblical Seth is none other than the Sith, the sworn enemies of the Jedi Knights.

“I have worked out the time between the birth of ‘Seth’ in Genesis, through the tribulations of the Jewish people, the life, death and resurrection of our dear Lord Jesus, and finally the appearance of Darth Maul in The Phantom Menace.”

Towers pegs the events depicted in Star Wars to somewhere in the early 1930s, and calculates that the destruction of the second Death Star in Return of the Jedi took place between February and March of 1934.

“I wouldn’t call that ‘long ago’,” scoffs Towers. “Especially when you figure that the first Star Wars came out in 1977.”

Towers added, “It’s not far far away either. Ask anyone who who has seen a Wookiee – as I have.”

Towers is petitioning his state government to legislate changes to future showings of the film. If it passes, the studio will be forced either to omit the controversial opening title lines, or accompany them with the warning, “It is only a theory that these events happened a long time ago in a galaxy far far away.”

George Lucas, maker of the Star Wars films, has rejected Towers’ repeated requests to change the sci-fi blockbusters. Said Lucas: “The Bible has nothing to do with it. The movies are just science fiction.”

When informed of the remarks, Towers retorted, “Science doesn’t enter into it. This fiction was created. And now it must be changed.”

Towers has high hopes the Kentucky State legislature will enact his petition in the coming weeks.

“Then I can finally get back to the primary work of my church – proving that land of Middle Earth described in The Lord of the Rings was actually 1880s Minnesota.”

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