Batch of E Coli recalled, may contain Listeria

Health officials in Michigan have recalled thousands of cans of E. coli because of fears that it may contain the deadly Listeria bacteria.

Shoppers are advised to return the tainted germs for a full refund. Affected products include E. coli sold from June 23rd to June 30th at LickMart, Johnston’s Ready Grocery, and Big Shelf Markets.

All three chains voluntarily suspended the sale of all E. coli products and pulled inventory from store shelves as a precaution. The brand names affected by the recall are E-Col-Hi, Crampy Grampy, GermBlest, and Quik Poop.

In a press conference at Lansing Intermediate Hospital, Dr. Donald Clamms, Michigan’s chief medical officer, says that common sense should guide the public as to whether they have encountered Listeria from their normal intake of E. coli.

“If you are suffering from cramps, vomiting and bloody diarrhea, please don’t waste a clinic’s time – you’ve just got the E. coli you paid for. But if, in addition, you have convulsions, experience irrational fears, and feel brain piercing headaches, you may have contracted listeriosis from Listeria contaminated E Coli and you should see a doctor who can help you prepare for a painful drawn out death.”

While there is no vaccine for listeriosis, medical officials assure the public the bacteria can be completely destroyed with the incineration of the bodies of those affected.

Dr. Clamms ended the press conference on a lighter note when he experienced cramping and ran to the bathroom. As he left, he shouted, “It’s E Coli folks, I just need to hit the can, I’m not in a cold sweat or irrationally fearing for my life.”