US drones sting Bin Laden

dronesA group of American drones launched an attack against Osama Bin Laden last night, stinging the Al Qaeda leader on the face and hands. The swarm of six drones were bees from the US 51st Airborne Insect Group.

Their use represents an intensification of efforts against Al Qaeda by the US, which until now has only used large, artificial drones.

A US counterterrorism official, speaking on condition of anonymity, commented, “Al Qaeda doesn’t seem to be getting the message, so now we’re moving to the real thing.”

The bees, bred in Hidalgo, Texas, are a hybrid of various bee strains, including Africanized honey bees, or “killer bees”. Although Bin Laden was not killed by this attack, it is believed his injuries will likely cause him pain for hours, and perhaps days.

Said the official, “When you fight the USA, you fight the US bee.”

America’s Bee Heroes: Mission Timeline


00:20: Special Bee Unit 2319 departs the Hidalgo Special Forces Apiary, and flies 13,000 km to the 51st AIG outside Kabul, Afghanistan. Drones are accompanied by two KC-45 tanker aircraft, filled with honey, for in-air refueling.

23:45: The bee unit touches down on the ultraviolet-coated runway of 51st AIG. Bees are escorted by armored personnel carrier to hive 51, classified operations area, for prep.


02:50: The drones are “unmanned” – military terminology for the surgical removal of their tiny bee gonads. The sex organs are replaced by sharp stingers, normally absent on male bees. The operation is carried out on by surgeons disguised as Osama Bin Laden. Bees are filled with frustration and anger at the loss of their male beehood, which will cause them to attack when they encounter the real Bin Laden.

03:55: Bees are removed from surgery and placed in small wax cells for recovery.

14:30: Drones are taken to departure zone Delta-One, a large daisy. CIA intelligence experts perform a “wiggle dance”, giving the bees instructions on distance and direction to target. The bees depart.

18:02: Bee squadron arrives at Bin Laden’s Afghanistan base. Their final approach is guided by smell. Although military experts cannot comment on details, analysts speculate that a honey sandwich may have been previously smuggled into Bin Laden’s secret base.

18:11: Drones enter Bin Laden’s private quarters and acquire target. They immediately attack. A bee successfully stings Bin Laden on the left cheek, an inch below the eye. Four more attacks fail, resulting in the deaths of the bees from crushing injuries. A final attack stings Bin Laden on the tip of his right index finger.

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