Obama: “Death Panel” crushers are humane

WASHINGTON – President Obama continued to deny persistent rumors that his health care proposals would create a government “death panel”.

“We have never proposed a death panel,” said Obama. “It is actually two panels, pushed together by hydraulic presses.” He described the system as “swift and humane.”

Obama said the idea of government officials passing a death sentence on the old and sick was “inconceivable, and repellent to every freedom-loving American.” He stressed that no human judgment is required for the automated death panels, which he called “self-selecting”.

The system is designed to allow nimble patients to escape the closing walls with seconds to spare, while those who are incapacitated will be humanely crushed to death between the steel slabs.

The panels are manufactured by Medicrush Industries, of Hoboken, NJ. The manufacturer website describes it as a “reaction based auto-triage” designed to “cut medical costs and enhance patient vitality”.

Obama cited the memorable trash compactor scene in the movie Star Wars as an example of how an unexpected encounter with crushing steel panels could be an exciting opportunity for Americans to show their speed and ingenuity, allowing them to lead a fuller, more exciting life. But he laughed off suggestions that the crushing areas would be filled with water and garbage, or would contain tentacled creatures to clutch at its occupants.

“The panel entrapment zones will be clean and sanitary, disguised to resemble sections of ordinary corridors, elevators, foyers and doorways,” he said. “Trust me, it’s challenging enough, without adding an octopus, or whatever that thing was in Star Wars.”

Conservative groups have attacked the proposal, branding it state-sponsored euthanasia, but Obama was swift to defend the Medicrush system.

“This is in no way mercy killing. It merely a test of speed and agility. Just as the gazelle leaps from the clutches of the cheetah, so may our citizens jump quickly from the deadly walls of the crusher, while those for whom the fruit of life has lost its zest – the old, infirm, or lazy – will quickly pass to find new joy in a better life. It is a simple, natural process, which respects the freedom of the individual.”

The controversy is reminiscent of rumors which dogged Obama during his presidential campaign, in which he was falsely accused of being a Muslim, despite repeated statements from his campaign that he is actually a devout member of the Thuggee death cult, and worships the Hindu goddess Kali.