US dollar to go on drunken rampage

The US dollar has had a bumpy ride over the past few years, but this is nothing compared to what’s in store, say top economists, who predict that, unless it mends its ways, the currency faces a future of alcoholism, shameful behavior, and deadly violence.

A recently released Federal Reserve report, The United States Dollar – Challenge and Transition, lays out the future for the currency in stark terms.

Under pressure from mounting national debt, the dollar will soon enter a decline against other major currencies, oscillating wildly on the currency markets, and knocking back Long Island Iced Teas like lemonade.

The pound and the yen, worried about the dollar, will try to help. But the dollar, always a fiery and independent currency, will want none of their charity, and will push them away.

“I could buy you guys ten times over!” it will yell, in a drunken rage.

Within five years, the once proud US dollar will have become a virtual currency, usable only for buying Facebook gifts. For consumers, this will be a difficult time, predicts the report, as they will be forced to use tiny graphics of hearts and penguins to buy everything from cars to groceries.

Propped up by a sympathetic US government, the dollar will clean up its act and return to its old position. The next few months are described as “happy and pleasant” – that is, until the dollar runs into the its old friend the Swedish Krona on the international markets. After a few drinks, they head over to visit the Zloty, but the wild night of partying which follows puts the dollar back on its old self-destructive path.

Faced with lies, denials, and small objects going missing around the house, nervous investors will begin to distrust it once more. They switch to other currencies, such as the Euro, which has become a rust-colored triangular object with four legs, something like a loyal pointed robotic dog.

Losing support from the international markets, the dollar will no longer be able to maintain its shape and lifestyle. It strains under its own financial weight until, finally, it explodes, spewing out all the objects and services it has ever paid for. The dollar will then plunge through the earth’s crust, and gnaw restively at the planet’s iron core.

Fortunately, few humans will be around to witness this nightmare event, because, the report predicts, it will occur more than 6.2 trillion years in the future.

“This is only a vision of the way things might happen, if the dollar does not change its ways,” said Federal Reserve chairman Ben S. Bernanke. “But, if the dollar heeds our words now, maybe, just maybe, it has a chance of redemption.”