Miss Universe discriminatory, say aliens
Miss Venezuela, Stefania Fernandez, was crowned Miss Universe 2009 on Sunday, but victory celebrations were half-hearted following accusations by aliens that the Miss Universe pageant discriminates against other parts of the universe.
Zaxt K’taaah, who won the 2008 Miss 51 Pegasi B competition, said that the pageant perpetuated an Earth-centered view of feminine beauty, and should be renamed “Miss Land-Based Earth Lifeform”.
“The swimsuit competition is particularly offensive to Pegasan females,” said Kttaah. “Our shell casings have evolved to cope with arid conditions, and would dissolve if exposed to water. Yet who can deny the beauty of our Pegasan gill covers and spiny ovipositors”
Representatives from WASP-17 objected to the competition’s focus on feminine beauty, and on rules favoring single competitors. “This discriminates against us,” said the asexual yellow gelatinous group-entity. The society-creature added that the competition should also allow opportunity for contestants to demonstrate their talents for squeezing through small spaces, and for being able to split and reassemble in creative ways.
However, not all alien life agreed with the criticisms. Lar, head praetor of the Dimensional Confederacy, pointed out that most of the objections came from within the Milky Way galaxy.
“Your galaxy is but one of billions in the universe,” said Lar, “just as your universe is but one of trillions in the multiverse. This griping is typical of closed-minded Milky Way chauvinism. There is but one standard of true beauty, and it is exemplified by long-legged earth women, not by hideous blobs, crablike predators, or fungal neurostrands.”
The Dimensional Confederacy opposes changes to the Miss Universe competition.
“In Dimension Ten, which lies beyond that which you call Time, we enjoy watching Miss Universe coverage,” said Lar. It brightens up our day to see these pretty young women in their attractive swimsuits and elegant evening gowns.”
Lar, a being of pure intellectual energy, also issued a warning to Miss Universe organizers. “The Dimensional Confederacy wants to look at lovely ladies, and will treat it as a hostile act if the Miss Universe pageant is changed in any way. No Crinoids and Xenozotes can be permitted to participate. Furthermore, the format must continue to include a swimsuit and evening gown competition, followed by a final question. Heed our warning, for the alternative is inter-universal war.”