70s TV Detectives investigate Jackson death

A group of top 1970s TV detectives have been recruited by Los Angeles police in the ongoing investigation into the death of pop star Michael Jackson. The crime-solving “dream team” claim they have already made significant progress in the case.

Jackson’s death was originally believed to be of natural causes, but an investigation by medical examiner Dr. R. Quincy turned up high levels of the anesthetic propofol in the blood, causing him to suspect foul play.

Jackson’s personal physician, Dr Conrad Murray, claimed he had given the pop star only a small dose of the drug, but “his story didn’t add up,” according to Detective Lieutenant Theo Kojak, who admitted he was willing to “break a few rules” to get a conviction.

Los Angeles homicide detective lieutenant Columbo said the doctor was “very helpful” with his routine investigations, offering many tips on who might have had a motive for administering propofol to Jackson.

“As I was leaving the room,” said Columbo, “I realized one thing was puzzling me. How did the doctor know that propofol was used. He replied that surely I had mentioned it. I told him that I had only talked about drugs and sedatives. I had never actually mentioned propofol.”

Fortunately, the doctor remembered that he had probably seen a bottle of the drug in Jackson’s room, and Columbo agreed that this must be the explanation for his knowledge, and would check the crime scene to confirm that a bottle had been present.

A mysterious masked figure was later seen rummaging through the Jackson home. He was spotted and chased by private investigator Harry O., who chased the figure down an alleyway. Although the investigator had to stop the pursuit due to pain from a gunshot wound from years before, Chief of Detectives Robert T. Ironside continued the chase in his wheelchair, although he too was foiled when the suspect ran up a flight of stairs.

Private investigator Frank Cannon, a former LAPD detective, then attempted to block the escape by crashing into the suspect with his expensive Lincoln Continental. Cannon’s excess weight made him unable to run after the figure, but he fired several shots after him from his snub-nosed revolver.

“He got away,” said Cannon. “But he dropped this – a book of matches from a strip club, with the scribbled phone number of one of the showgirls Betsy Kyler.”

Investigators described Kyler as “basically a nice girl,” but noted that she seemed like she was scared of something – or someone.

Meanwhile, freelance investigator Thomas Banacek focused his efforts on the mysterious disappearance of several hard drives containing recordings of Michael Jackson’s songs. If found, the wealthy investigator would receive 10 percent of their value.

Los Angeles police officials are said to be unhappy with the investigation.

“We thought these guys could bring this case to a swift conclusion,” said one official, “but it’s been a nonstop stream of gunfights, escaped criminals, crashed cars, and sloppy policework. It’s a travesty. A complete disaster from beginning to end.”