Mild-mannered America revealed as Superpower
The world’s nations were shocked yesterday to discover that America, a mild-mannered and respectable nation who works in the film industry, is none other than The United States, a crimefighting superpower.
For many years, I have been fighting world crime as The United States,” admitted America. “Now I have decided to retire, and can finally reveal my secret identity.”
America said that its super powers included a range of secret, high tech weaponry, stealth, and the ability to know everything that occurs on earth.
Canada, a neighbor of America, was astonished by the announcement.
“America always seemed so normal. Nice, you know, but a little boring. Now that I know the truth, it’s kind of a turn-on.”
America said that it had developed its mysterious powers after being exposed to the blast of an atomic bomb in Nevada.
“I decided to use my powers to fight for truth, freedom, and My Way,” said America.
The nation said it used its job in the media as an excuse to travel to world trouble spots, taking pictures with its cameras, then quietly slipping away and transforming into The United States to fight evildoers.
But the superpower said that it was now time to move on.
“It was fun at first, socking it to them in Hiroshima, Korea, and Vietnam. But lately, in Iraq and Afghanistan, I just haven’t been enjoying it any more. Also, it’s an expensive lifestyle, and my finances aren’t want they used to be.”
This is the second superpower retirement in recent years. Until the early 1990s, the United States was rivalled by The Soviet Union, whose super powers included enormous size and strength, as well as a special “bear maul” attack.
However, the Soviet Union, whose true identity was never known, retired in 1991, and has not been seen since. Russia, a gruff wheat farmer who was known to be a friend and confidante, speculated that the Soviet Union “may have just retired from being a superpower, and returned to life as an ordinary country somewhere in the world”.
America said that the superpower playing field was now wide open. “I look forward to cheering for the next generation of superpowers, whoever they may be.”
Frontrunners include Europe which can speak many languages and collide subatomic particles together, and China, which has the ability to make an exact copy of any object, and spray suffocating clouds of smog.