Oh Henry is unlike poo, say experts

Representatives of the confectionery industry have announced a new initiative to educate consumers about the wide-ranging differences between an Oh Henry chocolate bar, and poo.

Roger Fesseter, a spokesperson for the International Confectioners Guild, said that, although very few customers confuse an Oh Henry chocolate bar with human waste products, manufacturers are concerned in case an association should develop in the minds of consumers in the future.

“We want to stop this, before it has even emerged,” he said, “and expel it from the public imagination.”

A worldwide series of posters and newspaper advertisements will show the unwrapped Oh Henry bar next to a stool sample, with arrows indicating the many features which distinguish them. These include significant differences in color, shape, texture, odor, and taste.

Independent testing has shown that, in each sensory mode, virtually all consumers can easily distinguish between an Oh Henry chocolate bar and a fecal mass of similar size.

Manufacturers hope that the publicity campaign will raise public awareness about the appearance of an Oh Henry bar, and how utterly unlike a turdic extrusion it is.

“When our loyal customers bite into an Oh Henry, we want them to focus completely on the delicious taste experience,” said Fesseter. “As their teeth sink through the chocolate, and into the delicious underlayers of soft caramel, fudge and whole peanuts, we do not want them imagining, even for a moment, that they are biting, chewing, and swallowing a piece of solid human waste.”

Fesseter added: “I don’t have words for how disgusting this thought would be. It’s nauseating and revolting, and the new campaign is our way of urging each and every consumer not to let their mind go to such a revolting place. But we are confident that our quick action will prevent the possibility that these concepts, a tasty chocolate bar, and mouthful of stinking feculence, could ever overlap.”

The chocolate industry is watching the Oh Henry publicity campaign with interest. If it is successful, it may be extended to similar chocolate bars in other regions, including Sweet Marie, Wonderbar, Baby Ruth, and Mr Big.

“None of these long bumpy chocolate bars in any way resembles poo,” said Fesseter. “In fact, in the case of Mr Big, its initials are the exact reverse of those for Bowel Movement. This alone should highlight the extraordinary differences between them. And as for Baby Ruth, what normal person could ever associate a beautiful baby with poo? But in our business, you can’t be too careful.”

In addition to the print advertisements, a series of awareness-raising videos will be posted on YouTube, showing attempts to flush an Oh Henry bar down a toilet. The videos show that it is a simple matter to flush ordinary solid waste, or “poop”, but flushing an Oh Henry is difficult.

“The bar does not easily come apart, and must be broken up with a toilet plunger before it can be successfully flushed,” said Fesseter.

“If that doesn’t make someone comfortable eating an Oh Henry, I don’t know what will.”

Fesseter was confident that, with appropriate education, no consumer would make strong associations between Oh Henry bars and poo.

“When two objects are so very different from each other, as tasty Oh Henry bars and stinking feculence surely are, it is a very easy thing to separate them in the mind.”