Physicians conduct human collider experiments

The Society of High Energy Physicians has announced that it has completed construction of its human supercollider. The gigantic device will smash human beings together in an attempt to discover secrets about the earliest origins of homo sapiens. The research forms part of the quest for a so-called Theory of Everyone.

“We doctors get a lot of grief from those snooty physicists,” said society president Dr Walter Flumsky. “They are always saying how doctors are not real scientists. Well, this should prove to them that we can do anything they can do.”

Society president Dr Walter Flumsky said the collider was “a beacon of hope in our attempts to unite all humanity and stick it to physicists.”

Today, there are many types of human beings, of various ages, skin colors and income levels. But physicans believe that, in the early stages of creation, just a few hundred quintillion seconds after the universe began, all humans were unified in a common ancestor. This ancestor became pregnant, because of what high energy physicians call The Big Bang.

“When you look around you today, it’s hard to imagine that everyone was once the same,” said Flumsky. “At normal temperatures, they look very different. But at higher energy levels, everyone sort of gloms together. As you can see, the kind of work we doctors are doing is every bit as science-y as the formulas and test tubes of those egghead physicists.”

Flumsky’s group has already identified connections between some social groups. For example, it is believed that Christians and Jews separated roughly 2000 years ago, and Protestants and Catholics just a few hundred years back.

“Our past experiments have involved smashing human beings together and looking for telltale traces as body parts fly in all directions,” said Flumsky. “The bits all look very similar, and the more energy we use to smash them together, the more similar they look. These are tremendously exciting results – we are clearly on the right track.”

But the ultimate goal for physicians would be to find the common link which connects everyone, and this will require energy levels greater than any yet seen in medical collider experiments.

The new Large Human Collider will accelerate hundreds of humans, of all races, and whirl them around a vast circular tunnel. It cost millions of dollars to build, and the design involved what Flumsky called “hard math and sums and such”.

“It’s something like a roller coaster,” said Flumsky. “The little cars are accelerated faster and faster, in opposite directions. Then they are collided together, and set on fire. It is very spectacular, and real science. Every bit as real as anything a physicist does.”

If the theoretical models are correct, we should see that, under the high-energy conditions of the collider, the two streams of societal particles known as pers-ons, will merge into a homogeneous gray ash.

“This will give us the answers physicians have been looking for,” said Flumsky. “Especially if we fill the cars with physcists. We’ll see who has the last laugh then.”