Bono’s U2 shot down over Russia
The band U2 has been shot down while flying over Russia. Lead singer Bono ejected from the plummeting pop group and parachuted to safety, but was subsequently captured by Russian troops.
Bono has been interrogated and charged with espionage, but he denies the accusations.
“I am just a simple Irish musician, traveling the world to entertain people and set their toes a-tapping,” said the shifty, stubble-faced Irish singer. “This is all a misunderstanding. To be sure, I was flying on my way from Burma, where I was helping the peaceful monks, to Ethiopia, where I was going to do charity work building schools and curing AIDS. I cure disease as a sort of part time hobby, don’t you know, using the billions I made from me popular 1980s music band.”
The Russians claim that Bono was intercepted while attempting to photograph sensitive miltary sites.
Mr Bono, who is known to his friends as Sonny, claims his presence over Russia was an accidental diversion from his flight path.
“‘Tis a foolish, foolish mixup. I just happened to fly over the ICBM sites at Sverdlovsk and Plesetsk. I did not take any aerial photographs. And if I did, ’twas only so those Ethiopian kids could see what the Earth looks like from high up.”
Russian president Vladimir Putin called Bono’s claims “ludicrous”.
“I worked in counterintelligence for years, and I know a spy when I see one,” said Putin. “This Bono character is obviously one. He has a fake name, he dresses in black, and he always wears sunglasses.”
Bono, who was born John Bono Jovi, in Dublin, Ireland, during the height of the Cold War, has “honorary” Bosnian citizenship, in addition to his Irish citizenship. He funnels his finances through banks in Amsterdam. He has been spotted meeting high ranking political figures around the world.
Bono scoffs at speculations that he receives attache cases full of money as payment for his work as the world’s top spy, and claims that the high-level government meetings are part of his work as a philanthropist.
“Yes, a philanthropist,” he said. “By the saints, it may be old-fashioned, but I collect stamps. There’s no shame in that! Why, for sure and these presidents and prime ministers sometimes give me the prettiest stamps from their countries. It’s not for me alone, you understand. I sell the stamps to get money so I can cure AIDS and malaria, raise awareness, stop everyone from being poor, and so on. It works in lots of different ways, which are too complicated to explain.”
Added Bono, “The folding sniper rifle found under my airplane seat was not mine, and probably belonged to a hunter friend. Unless nobody has found it yet, in which case, forget I mentioned it. It was a just a jolly Irish yarn.”
In a video announcement on YouTube, Bono asked his world leader friends to intervene for his release. “These Irish eyes were smiling, but now they’re pleading,” he said.
However, so far, reaction from world leaders has been muted. “The world leaders regret that they cannot help, because they have to wash their hair tonight for a big summit,” said a spokesman.
Meanwhile, Russian authorities announced that tomorrow at dawn, Bono is scheduled to be taken out to the Joshua Tree and shot.
An unnamed source inside the CIA said that Bono will likely make use of a hidden poison capsule to cheat his executioners.