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“You lie” yell provokes calls for violence

JoeWilsonJoe Wilson, the Republican congressman who yelled “You lie” at President Obama, says he meant no disrespect, and let his emotions get the better of him. But the comment brought a gasp from the house, and, after a stunned pause, the president accused Miller of being “a rude white shit”.

“I was referring to the president’s close relationship with his lovely wife,” Wilson later explained. “As Obama was talking, I started thinking about how he is not as good looking as his wife, and how lucky he is to be married to her. I let my emotions get the better of me and shouted ‘You lie’ – meaning, of course, that the president sometimes lies with his lovely wife, in the sacred act of married sexual union – a principle upon which this great nation is founded.”

But politicians were shocked and upset by the outburst.

“I couldn’t believe my ears,” said House Majority Whip Jim Clayburn. “The president’s tender expressions of physical love towards his beautiful lady wife are not a thing to be discussed before hundreds of male congressmen, filling them with feelings of inappropriate lust. I’m the majority whip and I’ll take that whip to his perverted, impudent buttocks until they burst open.”

Wilson later explained that he had been misquoted in his earlier explanation, and set the record straight.

“The truth of the matter is simple,” said Wilson. “As the president was speaking, I spotted a Chinese friend named in the press gallery. I had not seen this woman for many years and believed her to be dead, executed by enemy agents. I let my emotions get the better of me, and, in my joy at seeing her alive, I called out her name, Yu Lai.”

Leading Democrats weren’t buying the explanation, and Vice-President Biden called the incident outrageous.

“The president was speaking,” Biden fumed. “If Miller wants to call out to some Chinese spy, or old girlfriend, or whoever this Yu Lai woman really is, he should do it later, and in private. That is the Washington way.”

Biden called for a special censure motion to punish Miller for violating the decorum of the house, suggesting that Miller should be forced to lie on his at the bottom of the stairs, while a circle of congressmen leaned over the balcony and dribbled spit on him for several minutes, attempting to land saliva in his mouth.

“He should then be bashed against the walls until his head comes off,” added Biden.

Congressmen were in the midst of forming an ugly mob to find their rogue colleague, when Wilson gave a third press conference which smoothed the ruffled feathers.

“Okay, here’s the truth,” said Wilson. “As President Obama was giving his thoughtful speech, I let my emotions get the better of me. I spontaneously started to shout ‘You likable, intelligent man.” In mid-cry, I realized that my words were inappropriate, and quickly closed my mouth after the second syllable. Unfortunately, this sounded as if I was saying ‘You lie’.”

Obama said that he accepted Wilson’s explanation, saying that it explained everything perfectly.

“We all make mistakes,” said the president, “but in this case, there was no mistake. I am both likable and intelligent. Wilson did not violate principles of house decorum, and I retract what I said about him being a rude white shit.”

When asked about his earlier stories, Miller said he had not wanted to give the real explanation, because, as a Republican, he was shy about feeling such admiration for a Democrat president.

“That’s why I made up those stories about Obama’s wife and that Chinese woman. I was feeling embarrassed, and when I’m embarrassed, I lie.”

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