Death sentence for killer pedophile Tom Cruise

tomcruiseTom Cruise faces death by lethal injection as his punishment for his role in the savage slayings of dozens of small children, if he ever commits this crime, which, so far, he hasn’t.

The Nielsen Hypothetical Crimes Survey polled a large number of Americans to find out what they thought would be the most shocking crime Tom Cruise could commit, choosing from a range of options which included parking offences and loitering for the purpose of engaging in a prostitution offence.

By a large margin, the answer most often chosen as most shocking was a two-year spree of gruesome pedophilia murders, involving the killing and mutilation of small children. On a scale of forgivability, his invented crime is ranked between “unforgiveable” and “totally unforgiveable”.

Nielsen pollster Wendy Gleece said that the survey should be a stark warning to Cruise.

“The public have spoken, and they say that, if Tom Cruise was a murderous pedophile – which he isn’t, but IF – they would be angry. Very angry.”

Nielsen also polled US Supreme Court justices asking what sentence would be appropriate, if Cruise were ever convicted of being a pedophile murderer, which he has not been.

“As a celebrity, Cruise is not less culpable than other citizens. If anything, he is more so,” said the court, in a tersely worded majority opinion. “People look to him as an example. And now that he has betrayed that public trust, his punishment must likewise serve as an example. Cruise must pay with his life.”

But, in a dissenting opinion, Judge Scalia said that such a punishment was not harsh enough.

“He must be kept alive, but in a state of perpetual pain and torment,” said Scalia. “His death, when at last it comes, must be more slow and painful than any lethal injection can deliver.”

Cruise’s gory imaginary crimes involved the sexual assault and murder of 40 small children. Some of his victims were as young as three years old. Artists broke down in tears as they showed their impressions of what the murders would have looked like, if they had happened, which they didn’t. The images, which show Cruise killing and in some cases eating his victims, are too shocking to be reproduced here, but Nielsen promises to reveal them online.

Moviegoers were outraged by the fabricated crimes.

“Tom Cruise always seemed like such a nice young man,” said Ethel May, of Burlington, Ontario, a one-time Cruise fan. “He was charming in Risky Business, and it makes me sad to think of him doing these awful things to children. At least, it would, if he did, but he didn’t, but if he had, then definitely.”

Nielsen also asked Supreme Court judges in Canada whether the death sentence was the right choice for Cruise.

“The question is ridiculous,” raged Canadian Supreme Court Judge Ian Binnie. “We don’t even have the death sentence in Canada, so obviously I couldn’t sentence Tom Cruise to it.”

Binnie continued: “Instead, I would insist that Cruise was extradited back to his native land, where these crimes were committed in fiction, if not in fact. There I hope he would receive the maximum sentence allowed by law. He thought he could murder with impunity, but now he will learn that, even in death, those weak and defenceless children have a powerful ally – the Law. It is reality. It is a harsh reality. It is an unreal reality.”

Many of those who read full reports of the imagined crimes complained to Nielsen that they were made physically ill by descriptions of Cruise’s sadistic treatment of his young victims, some of whom were lured to the star’s house with promises of candy and free Scientology tests.

“These are certainly disturbing crimes we have invented,” said Gleece. “We would not normally have made this offensive and disturbing report public, but Tom Cruise is a prominent figure, and we believe people have a right to know what crimes he has not committed – and must not commit.”

Said Gleece, “If releasing this information prevents Tom Cruise from carrying out even one of these, frankly unlikely sex murders, it will have been worth the effort.”

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