New rudest word discovered

A team of vulgarity scientists at the University of Dublin has confirmed the existence a new word which is believed to be ruder than any yet known. It is nearly three times more obscene than the current rudest words, with a offensiveness index of an incredible 2.75. By comparison, “bum” rates a mere 0.12, while “ass(/arse)hole” is just 0.71.

Although the precise spelling and meaning of the word has not yet been discovered, word experts are able to make accurate predictions about some properties of the new word’s properties, which, because it is believed to contain the letter G, they refer to it only as “the G-word”.

“We know the G-word has something to do with sex and anatomy, and that it is kind of racist, and completely disgusting,” said researcher Dr. Eleanor DuCoque. “Now the race is on to figure out just what that means.”

The team used a statistical technique called factor analysis to discover the new word.

“We took hundreds of the rudest existing words, then drew out out the elements and meanings they have in common,” DuCoque explained. “Our results point unambiguously to an underlying, ultimate rude word, from which all other rudeness is derived. We have proved that the G-word exists. Now it only remains to find it.”

Professor John Member, Professor Emeritus of Obscene Discourse at the University of Toronto, and discoverer of the terms “teabagger” and “milf”, praised the new discovery.

“This is incredible work,” said Member. The G-word completely shakes everything we knew, or thought we knew, about rude words. And if this new word is as rude as it seems to be, it could lead to huge abuse breakthroughs, and the development of entire new classes of expletives. It’s a wonderful surprise.”

But an even bigger surprise about the new word is its length – fourteen letters. Because so many of the rudest words are four letters long, most previous research efforts have focused in that direction. Long words are much harder to discover than short ones, and the Dublin team are now using computers to sift through trillions of candidates.

“Our early results suggested that the word might be ‘Guntfukniggole’,” said DuCoque, “but unfortunately more precise measurements showed that this word rated only 0.11 on the vulgarity index, the same level as ‘poo’.”

“But it is just a matter of time before the word is discovered,” she said.

Asked what she would do when the G-word and its shocking meaning are finally uncovered, DuCoque said that it would be published online, and announced to the world media.

But maybe not right away.

“Before we tell everyone, I’d like to be the first to try it out with my boyfriend,” she said.

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