Early humans bred with many types of animals says donut store regular

Guest Editorial by Callum from Donut Donuts

Fact: Humans bred with animals. I know what you’re thinking. No way. But, yes, because – think about it – there must have been a first human, right? So, before that they were all animals, right? So – who did that human breed with? Animals! Stands to reason. Some guy comes along and finds he’s the first human – he would have to have done animals, or there wouldn’t be any more humans.

I don’t mean like Adam done chickens, or like that. I mean like he probably did monkeys that were nearly human, but not quite human yet. Although I bet you chickens would have worked too. I know they say chicken DNA and human DNA don’t mix, but how would you know? Scientists say that, but it’s just theory. They don’t go around actually doing chickens to see. They’re not allowed to – that’s the Hippocratic Oath.

And also, I’m going to share something with you here that’s kind of gross. Friend of mine, lived on a farm. He admitted to me he done a chicken once! But that’s not the worst part. He says, exactly nine months later, he’s looking at the chicks around on the farm. (I mean, chick, like the small bird, not the girl.) And there’s this one chick that’s looking at him. And it followed him around, and he swears it was part human. He could see it in the eye. Chicken head, chicken body, but human eye expressions, accusing him. Like it was saying: “See, you created me! You created a monster!” No word of a lie. Freaked me right out when I heard it.

So, know what I think? Adam and Eve – I think it’s a metaphor for what really happened in evolution, and we’ve just remembered it, but the story got mixed up. Probably what really happened was, Adam got born, and he was like fully human. But there was no human woman born around the same time. What would be the chances of that? Zero. So, Eve was actually just some old monkey. He had to do her, though. Had no choice. He knew the human race depended on it.

And Eve went off to a tree and brought back fruit, right? Well, of course she did – it’s what monkeys do! They go to the trees and eat fruit. So then they had kids, and the kids were still human, but not as good of a human as Adam, because, although they’ve got human DNA, they’ve also got a lot of monkey DNA.

You want more proof? It’s a known fact that people long ago lived hundreds of years, like Adam, and Methuselah and Aragorn. But today they don’t live that long. So, why’s that? Because animals don’t live as long as humans! Except for maybe tortoises, which live, like thousands of years – basically immortal as long as they get food.

So, if you ask my opinion, what Adam should have done was have different kids using different animals as mothers. He could kind of interbreed them for their different powers. Some monkey kids, for climbing ability. Some elephant kids for size and strength. Some tortoise kids for long life.

But what would probably happen is you’d get things you didn’t want, like, oh, the tortoise kids live a long time, but they move really slow and they have shells instead of skin. However, I think it is very likely that humans also interbreeded with, say, seals, and that’s why we don’t have fur like monkeys, but instead we’re smooth like seals, and we make swimming pools.

And, think about it, if humans interbreeded with seals, and some of them had a bit more seal and a bit less human in their DNA, what do you get? Would it not be basically mermaids? I am serious. The legends are full of them. Reason is because mermaids probably were real once, but don’t exist any more because of overfishing, or people kill them thinking, “Oh, it’s just a seal, I’ll smash its head.” So fishermen smashes its head and doesn’t see it’s the head of a human being. That would be gross.

But what is really gross is my friend’s chicken story. That is really disgusting, and I can not stop thinking about it. That little chicken eye, looking at you.

If you gave me a million dollars to do a chicken, I would not do it. No way. It’s not worth it. Same for any animals. Goats. Dogs. Sheep. Even if it was a good time – and I seriously doubt it would be – you’ve got to think of the consequences.

Can you imagine, like, if you done a sheep and then there’s a baby sheep, and it’s looking at you, and, there’s this sheep body, sheep head, but human eye expressions. Innate humanity, right? And then you’re hungry, but you can’t eat it. You would starve before you eat your own flesh and blood. But then, one day, you discover that it’s gone, and you remember, you had lamb last night, and, oh no, you ate it by accident. That would be just the worst.

Word to the wise, man, word to the wise.