Soccer Socker Shocker

In a statement that shocked sports fans around the world, FIFA president Sepp Blatter admitted yesterday that the goals in professional soccer are all faked, and that the game exists only to sell socks.

“Soccer is now, and has always been, about socks,” said Blatter. “The goals, the running around on the grass, the fouls, the injuries – it’s all irrelevant. The beautiful game is about beautiful socks.”

The admission follows a series of controversial referee calls in the 2010 World Cup, where goals appeared to have been incorrectly awarded or disallowed.

“It’s true – the goals are faked,” said the shamefaced Blatter. “Teams earn points for sock style. When they get a sock point, they are permitted to kick the ball into the other team’s net. But they’re only human. Sometimes, errors are made, and players kick the ball into the net without having scored the appropriate points.  That’s when our referees must bend the rules to change the number of goals.”

US soccer coach Bob Bradley welcomed the admission. We’ve suspected for some time that something weird was going on – the way those European players would fake injuries, lying on the ground and clutching their legs in fake agony. In hindsight, it’s obvious that they were just showing off their socks. We should have guessed from the name of the game. Now we know why America is terrible at soccer.”

According to dictionaries, the word “soccer” is short for “association”.

“It doesn’t even make sense if you think about it,” said actor and word historian John Lithgow. “Soccer isn’t short for association. Short for ‘association’ would be ‘asser’.”

Lithgow’s research led him to a secret chamber beneath the Louvre, where long-hidden documents revealed that the game’s full name is Sock Association Football, invented in 1846 by the the Sock Association to showcase their products.

And Lithgow’s picks for the 2010 World Cup winner?

“I have to say the Netherlands,” said the veteran actor. “Their orange socks are flashy and sassy. It’s time Dutch socks received recognition in the World Cup.”