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New Patrick Swayze joke in the works

New Patrick Swayze joke in the works

After the tragic death of Patrick Swayze, comedians are scrambling to celebrate the actor’s life by coming up with a joke for the occasion. A team from Harvard has been working on a joke for several months. They announced that they were very close to completing a joke. “Swayze was in the movie Ghost,” said […]

September 15th, 2009 | Posted in Entertainment, Headlines | Read More »

Death sentence for killer pedophile Tom Cruise

Death sentence for killer pedophile Tom Cruise

Tom Cruise faces death by lethal injection as his punishment for his role in the savage slayings of dozens of small children, if he ever commits this crime, which, so far, he hasn’t. The Nielsen Hypothetical Crimes Survey polled a large number of Americans to find out what they thought would be the most shocking […]

September 13th, 2009 | Posted in Entertainment, Headlines | Read More »

Pluto demoted from “dwarf planet” to “star faerie”

Pluto demoted from “dwarf planet” to “star faerie”

In a surprise announcement, the International Astronomical Union (IAU) has stated that Pluto will no longer be considered a dwarf planet, and will henceforth be known as a “star faerie”. The move follows the 2006 decision in which Pluto was downgraded from planet to dwarf planet. “If Jupiter and Saturn are giant planets, then, realistically, […]

September 11th, 2009 | Posted in Headlines, Sci/Tech | Read More »

“You lie” yell provokes calls for violence

“You lie” yell provokes calls for violence

Joe Wilson, the Republican congressman who yelled “You lie” at President Obama, says he meant no disrespect, and let his emotions get the better of him. But the comment brought a gasp from the house, and, after a stunned pause, the president accused Miller of being “a rude white shit”. “I was referring to the […]

September 10th, 2009 | Posted in Headlines | Read More »

Software licenses contain secret damnation clauses

Software licenses contain secret damnation clauses

Mary Migworth, a 26-year-old single mother, lost her soul after agreeing to some small print for her 3-year-old son’s Reader Rabbit game. “It included a line about how I was subject to 29A,” said Migworth. “It wasn’t until later that I discovered that 29A is computer code for 666. It’s the hexadecimal number of the […]

September 9th, 2009 | Posted in Business, Headlines | Read More »

Bono’s U2 shot down over Russia

Bono’s U2 shot down over Russia

The band U2 has been shot down while flying over Russia. Lead singer Bono ejected from the plummeting pop group and parachuted to safety, but was subsequently captured by Russian troops. Bono has been interrogated and charged with espionage, but he denies the accusations. “I am just a simple Irish musician, traveling the world to […]

September 5th, 2009 | Posted in Entertainment, Headlines | Read More »

Physicians conduct human collider experiments

Physicians conduct human collider experiments

The Society of High Energy Physicians has announced that it has completed construction of its human supercollider. The gigantic device will smash human beings together in an attempt to discover secrets about the earliest origins of homo sapiens. The research forms part of the quest for a so-called Theory of Everyone. “We doctors get a […]

September 4th, 2009 | Posted in Headlines, Sci/Tech | Read More »

Evidence suggests ailing pet not sent to “nice farm”

Evidence suggests ailing pet not sent to “nice farm”

TORONTO, ON –  Nine year old Toronto Ontario resident Ashley Manheim says she has found evidence to suggest ‘Dukey’, her 11-year-old mixed breed hound did not go away to live at a “nice farm”, as her parents told her. Teary eyed, but resolute during a news conference at the Humane Society where the fourth grade […]

September 3rd, 2009 | Posted in Headlines | Read More »

Oh Henry is unlike poo, say experts

Oh Henry is unlike poo, say experts

Representatives of the confectionery industry have announced a new initiative to educate consumers about the wide-ranging differences between an Oh Henry chocolate bar, and poo. Roger Fesseter, a spokesperson for the International Confectioners Guild, said that, although very few customers confuse an Oh Henry chocolate bar with human waste products, manufacturers are concerned in case […]

September 2nd, 2009 | Posted in Headlines | Read More »

Your Money

Your Money

YOUR MONEY Having trouble deciding if some money is yours? Money expert Ryan Neeswahl is here to help in our regular column. Dear Ryan: I have just started work at a major insurance company. At the end of my first two-week stint, I was handed a check for several thousand dollars. The check looked official, […]

September 1st, 2009 | Posted in Business, Headlines | Read More »