Category: World

KABUL – NATO Secretary General Anders Fogh Resmussen announced today that the alliance would phase in Dalek forces in its operations in Afghanistan. Said Resmussen, “We fully intend to withdraw foreign troops from Afghanistan. But Daleks are not foreign. They are alien. And there is a big difference.” The mutant alien life forms, encased in…

Rescuers continued efforts to free the airliner which became lodged in the cloud of ash on Wednesday evening. The plane struck the ashbar while cruising at 40,000 feet, minutes after Captain Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger caught sight of the cloud, believed to be fallout from the recent Icelandic volcano eruption. Sulllenberger quickly slipped the plane into…

The world’s nations were shocked yesterday to discover that America, a mild-mannered and respectable nation who works in the film industry, is none other than The United States, a crimefighting superpower. For many years, I have been fighting world crime as The United States,” admitted America. “Now I have decided to retire, and can finally…

Miss Venezuela, Stefania Fernandez, was crowned Miss Universe 2009 on Sunday, but victory celebrations were half-hearted following accusations by aliens that the Miss Universe pageant discriminates against other parts of the universe. Zaxt K’taaah, who won the 2008 Miss 51 Pegasi B competition, said that the pageant perpetuated an Earth-centered view of feminine beauty, and…

Saudi Arabia has left the planet, citing “gross indecency” and “religious error” as the reasons for its departure. In the early hours of this morning, the country’s conservative religious leaders summoned an enormous Roc, a magical Arabian bird of tremendous size, to pluck the nation from the earth’s crust and carry it off into the…

The United States has carried out a massive “sneak attack” air strike on Tokyo, in a belated retaliation for the 1941 attack against Pearl Harbor. The attack, which destroyed the Tokyo harbour area, and sunk hundreds of yachts, freighters, and other commercial vessels, was permitted under a provision of Japan’s surrender at the end of…

A small piece of rubble was removed unharmed from beneath the collapsed survivors of a Burlington apartment building this morning. The rocklike chunk of concrete had been trapped for more than 76 hours beneath the tangled mass of 500 healthy humans. Although several tons of concrete and debris had been removed from beneath the breathing…

North Korea has conducted successful test crashes of seven ballistic missiles, according to the North Korean state-run newspaper, the Pyongyang Gleaner & Taedong Shopping News. One of the missiles, believed to be a Longdong-A ballistic missile, was photographed as it corkscrewed through the sky, flipped, and smashed sidelong into the Sea of Japan. “It was…

Pope Benedict XVI said Sunday that it was time for a merger between Christianity and Islam. Speaking to a crowd of thousands, he made a case for the new religion, which he called Catholicislam. “I am willing to wear that Arab head thing. And we have come up with a great new logo for the…