Clinton takes on North Korean military

President Clinton has arrived in Pyongyang to rescue jailed US journalists Laura Ling and Euna Lee using “maximum force”. He has vowed to pay “a little visit” to North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. Clinton will also attempt to “solve problems” caused by North Korea’s nuclear program.

Clinton leaped into the sea from his unmarked, low-flying transport plane, seconds before it crashed into a cliff. He swam to shore in the early hours of the morning, silently killing a Korean guard, who, seconds before, had been scoffing at the “decadent” United States, then stealthily crept his way into the heart of Pyongyang.

Clinton was forbidden from going on the dangerous trip by his former boss, Gen. Bud Cretstatin.

“Clinton told me that he’s the only hope for those two American girls,” said Cretstatin. “I told him he was letting his emotions take control again. I said I was removing him from active duty and giving him a desk job. Then I asked him if that was understood. He said ‘yes sir’, but in a contemptuous tone of voice. Later he stole a plane and flew off to Pyongyang.”

“I can’t condone what he did,” added the general, “but dammit, I admire him.”

North Korea’s military is one of the largest in the world, with over 1.2 million armed personnel. Clinton plans to take them on using two pistols and an old leather belt, clamping his trademark cigar between his teeth. It is speculated that Clinton, who cares little about the odds, intends to single-handedly infiltrate Kim Jong-il’s secret headquarters, then use C4 explosives to destroy the nuclear program, which is kept in an adjacent area, surrounded by guards driving golf carts.

Clinton’s wife, Hillary Clinton, was angry at her husband’s antics. She described him as “impossible”. She has recently turned her focus to her career, and started working fulltime for a new president, Barack Obama.

Said Hillary Clinton, “Barack is a good man – calm and dependable. That’s what I need right now. And it’s what our daughter needs.”

But as Clinton watched live TV footage of her husband’s escape from a group of North Korean troops, she commented, “Bill Clinton, you’re the most arrogant, pig-headed, bravest man I ever met.”

The last visit to North Korea by a former US president was by Jimmy Carter in 1994. Carter succeeded in blowing up a huge drugs factory, and destroying a gigantic laser beam, before jumping from the top floor of the building and grabbing the skids of a US helicopter which whisked him to safety.