Human lifespan extended by using dog years

A scientific breakthrough may allow humans to reach previously undreamed of ages, through the use of “dog years”.

Researchers at the Bethesda Institute for Aging have tested Canine Annual Equivalents (CAEs) or “dog years” on human volunteers and found that it greatly increased human lifespan.

Thanks to the new advance, humans can live approximately seven times longer than was previously possible. A person who might previously have lived to 80 years of age can now expect to live to 560, and those who live to 100, would instead reach an incredible 700 years of age.

Attempts to use dog years had been previously attempted on mice, but seemed to show no promise.

“It didn’t work at all,” said Dr Cooper T. Ferzit, chairman of the institute. “The mice actually lived fewer years. But once we tried it on human volunteers, it was a whole different ballgame.”

Ferzit stressed that the new discovery does not represent an end to aging and death, but certainly adds to the number of productive years

The results were cause for celebration among those facing deadly disease, such as as lung cancer patient Ryan Staggiter.

“The doctors told me I had just three years to live,” smiled Staggiter. “I’ve been rushing around trying to get my affairs in order. But now it looks like I have 21 years instead. I think I’m going to put my feet up and start smoking again.”

Ferzit believes the recent breakthrough is just the first of many. “The dog isn’t the only animal out there,” he said. “Using rabbit years and hamster years, we may be able to extend this even further.”

Experts believe scientists may even be able to use bacteria years, each one just fifteen seconds long, which could make humans virtually immortal. But Ferzit stressed that such advances are still science fiction scenarios. “It’s probably hundreds of years away. Then again, now that we’re using dog years, many of us should live to see it.”