Fifth Beatles to reunite

George Martin, Pete Best, and Phil Spector have announced that the Fifth Beatles are to re-form. They plan a series of concerts across Europe and North America, featuring the band’s trademark record producing, drumming, singing, and murdering talents.

A fourth Fifth Beatle, Stu Sutcliffe, who died in 1962, will be represented by his German photographer girlfriend Astrid Kirchherr. She will wear a photograph of the former band member, while singing backup vocals and playing tambourine.

Fifth Beatles fans were ecstatic at the announcement.

“We never thought this could happen,” said Deb Pincheedie, head of the Fifth Beatle Appreciation Society. “Now it’s here. From a Fifth Beatle perspective, this is the greatest musical event of the 21st, or any other, century.”

Convicted murderer and record producer Phil Spector is currently serving 19 years to life in the California prison system, but was given special permission to join the band by California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Spector achieved rock’n’roll fame using his innovative “Wall of Sound” to hide the death cries of his victims. His techniques inspired such Beatles murder hits as Rocky Raccoon and Maxwell’s Silver Hammer. “It’s going to be a killer show,” he jested with reporters.

Former Beatles producer George Martin was tight-lipped about the songs the Fifth Fab Four will perform, revealing only that “it will have plenty of horns and cello.”

Not everyone is pleased by the reunion. Fifth Beatles Tony “The Beatles were my backup band” Sheridan and Jimmy “I-substituted-for-Ringo-for-a-while” Nicol intend to boycott the reunion in favor of their own competing concert, to be aired on MTV, titled Sheridan and Nicol: The Two Real Fifth Beatles.

However, Fifth Beatle Pete Best described the reunion as a life-changing event.

“I was the original drummer for the Beatles, but, of course, I was kicked out,” said Best. “I was bitter about that for many years. But now I feel like I have a second chance. It’s wonderful. It’s like being reborn.”

George Martin announced later in the day that Best would be replaced by Ringo Starr.

“Best was part of the original Beatles quartet,” Martin explained. “So, actually, Best is the fourth Beatle, and Ringo is the original fifth.”