Author: DailyWeek
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Death sentence for killer pedophile Tom Cruise
Tom Cruise faces death by lethal injection as his punishment for his role in the savage slayings of dozens of small children, if he ever commits this crime, which, so far, he hasn’t. The Nielsen Hypothetical Crimes Survey polled a large number of Americans to find out what they thought would be the most shocking…
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Pluto demoted from “dwarf planet” to “star faerie”
In a surprise announcement, the International Astronomical Union (IAU) has stated that Pluto will no longer be considered a dwarf planet, and will henceforth be known as a “star faerie”. The move follows the 2006 decision in which Pluto was downgraded from planet to dwarf planet. “If Jupiter and Saturn are giant planets, then, realistically,…
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“You lie” yell provokes calls for violence
Joe Wilson, the Republican congressman who yelled “You lie” at President Obama, says he meant no disrespect, and let his emotions get the better of him. But the comment brought a gasp from the house, and, after a stunned pause, the president accused Miller of being “a rude white shit”. “I was referring to the…
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Software licenses contain secret damnation clauses
Mary Migworth, a 26-year-old single mother, lost her soul after agreeing to some small print for her 3-year-old son’s Reader Rabbit game. “It included a line about how I was subject to 29A,” said Migworth. “It wasn’t until later that I discovered that 29A is computer code for 666. It’s the hexadecimal number of the…
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Bono’s U2 shot down over Russia
The band U2 has been shot down while flying over Russia. Lead singer Bono ejected from the plummeting pop group and parachuted to safety, but was subsequently captured by Russian troops. Bono has been interrogated and charged with espionage, but he denies the accusations. “I am just a simple Irish musician, traveling the world to…
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Physicians conduct human collider experiments
The Society of High Energy Physicians has announced that it has completed construction of its human supercollider. The gigantic device will smash human beings together in an attempt to discover secrets about the earliest origins of homo sapiens. The research forms part of the quest for a so-called Theory of Everyone. “We doctors get a…
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Oh Henry is unlike poo, say experts
Representatives of the confectionery industry have announced a new initiative to educate consumers about the wide-ranging differences between an Oh Henry chocolate bar, and poo. Roger Fesseter, a spokesperson for the International Confectioners Guild, said that, although very few customers confuse an Oh Henry chocolate bar with human waste products, manufacturers are concerned in case…
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Your Money
YOUR MONEY Having trouble deciding if some money is yours? Money expert Ryan Neeswahl is here to help in our regular column. Dear Ryan: I have just started work at a major insurance company. At the end of my first two-week stint, I was handed a check for several thousand dollars. The check looked official,…
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Disease shortage affects millions
A new study at the Centres for Disease Expansion revealed that only 70 percent of the population has an illness or medical disorder of some kind. Team leader Dr. Pran Feesberg said investigators were “shocked” by the results. “It means that nearly a third of North Americans have no trace of disease – nothing they…
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Mild-mannered America revealed as Superpower
The world’s nations were shocked yesterday to discover that America, a mild-mannered and respectable nation who works in the film industry, is none other than The United States, a crimefighting superpower. For many years, I have been fighting world crime as The United States,” admitted America. “Now I have decided to retire, and can finally…