Category: Headlines
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Disease shortage affects millions
A new study at the Centres for Disease Expansion revealed that only 70 percent of the population has an illness or medical disorder of some kind. Team leader Dr. Pran Feesberg said investigators were “shocked” by the results. “It means that nearly a third of North Americans have no trace of disease – nothing they…
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Mild-mannered America revealed as Superpower
The world’s nations were shocked yesterday to discover that America, a mild-mannered and respectable nation who works in the film industry, is none other than The United States, a crimefighting superpower. For many years, I have been fighting world crime as The United States,” admitted America. “Now I have decided to retire, and can finally…
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Kennedy “ugly head” curse strikes again
Ted Kennedy died of brain cancer, while waiting for the passage of the universal medicare that might have paid for his treatment and saved his life. However, name magic experts say that the real problem for the Kennedys is not medical, but the curse of the family name – Gaelic for “ugly head”. Lyle Abecedarian…
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70s TV Detectives investigate Jackson death
A group of top 1970s TV detectives have been recruited by Los Angeles police in the ongoing investigation into the death of pop star Michael Jackson. The crime-solving “dream team” claim they have already made significant progress in the case. Jackson’s death was originally believed to be of natural causes, but an investigation by medical…
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New types of weather on the way
As the world’s climate continues to change, weather experts say we will see not only more extreme weather conditions, but also entirely new types of weather. Old fashioned weathers, like “sunny”, “rain”, “overcast” and “snow” will gradually disappear, replaced by such meteorological newcomers as “Sky Fire” and “Limp Wallys”. We polled 100 of the world’s…
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Miss Universe discriminatory, say aliens
Miss Venezuela, Stefania Fernandez, was crowned Miss Universe 2009 on Sunday, but victory celebrations were half-hearted following accusations by aliens that the Miss Universe pageant discriminates against other parts of the universe. Zaxt K’taaah, who won the 2008 Miss 51 Pegasi B competition, said that the pageant perpetuated an Earth-centered view of feminine beauty, and…
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Holy Ghost to leave Trinity
The Holy Ghost announced yesterday that it would be leaving the Trinity, citing “creator differences” as the cause of the breakup. Insiders say that the Holy Ghost has been feeling left out and ignored for some time, and resented taking a back seat to Jesus in church publicity. The Holy Ghost, also known as the…
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Man is conjoined with self
A routine trip to the doctor became a journey into the medical history books for Cliff Boletus, a 38-year-old actuary from Buffalo, New York, when doctors discovered that he is actually conjoined with himself. “We discovered it accidentally,” said his physician, Dr. John Wholsom. “We took a DNA sample of cells from Cliff’s left hand,…
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US dollar to go on drunken rampage
The US dollar has had a bumpy ride over the past few years, but this is nothing compared to what’s in store, say top economists, who predict that, unless it mends its ways, the currency faces a future of alcoholism, shameful behavior, and deadly violence. A recently released Federal Reserve report, The United States Dollar…
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Marilyn Monroe must be shared, say men
The Los Angeles widow who is selling a burial plot above the one occupied by Marilyn Monroe faces opposition from men, who say the beautiful, dead star should be shared. Herbert Hoops, America’s funeral-director-in-chief called the funeral plot sale “A disgusting travesty”. Said Hoops: “Every red-blooded American male enjoyed Marilyn’s sexy curves in life, and…