Classifieds
Employment
GET YOUR CHILD INTO CHIMNEY SWEEPING. Make $100s each year. SootyTots is the leading agency for talented young chimney sweep assistants. No need to waste time on beauty pageants or baby contests. Reasonable listing fee. Guaranteed income. Narrow children only please. Fully insured against loss. Contact Obadiah Graspweasel. Box 1847.
MAKE UP TO $50K PER YEAR WATCHING TV. Could be more. Could be less. Could be nothing at all. The mystery feeds the excitement. You have nothing to lose. Learn the secret: $100. Box 3219.
LOOKING FOR ROOFERS, LABORERS. Misplaced about six weeks ago. Possibly left on top of tall building. Answers to “You guys”. Please contact Sam. Box 2111.
FRELANCE EDITER AVALABLE. Lo-rates hi-quatily work. Nesletters broshures corperate reports , fliers adn stuf for weedings and funrals. “u name it I ed-it”. Call Elziabeth. Bxo 4344.
CAULKERS WANTED. If you can caulk, you’re the one for us. Caulking is the thing we need. Box 1314.
Merchandise
HOSPITAL BANDAGES. Ideal for stuffing toys, pillows sold in shady back alleys. Box 2552.
ARE YOU OVERWEIGHT? I’m not. I’m just big-boned, and my clothes have shrunk from too many washes. Box 1948.
FOUR TOILET ROLLS. Some water damage and staining after exposure to rusty water from the back of the sink. $3 or best offer. Box 2.
HOT TUB. 2008 model loaded, warr. Includes original hot water. Box 9053.
ELECTRONIC COMPUTER. Includes digital memory and keyboard input. Comes with attached pointing “mouse” device. Box 774.
Services
STAR TREK episodes identified while you wait. Tell us the action and we'll tell you the title and ep number. Box 1701.
WE DO IT ALL! Fast work. Rapid progress. In another six months we will have done it all. Box 7457.
FREE ESTIMATES. Mrs Enid Snow is willing to estimate anything. Populations of third world countries, number of pennies in a jar. Complete discretion assured. Box 9977.
CRIMINAL OFFENCES? We do them all, from littering to murder. Free consultation and assault. Call Carl and Mike. Box 2831.
SEEKING BABYSITTING JOB. The job was lost on subway Thursday night. Short. Blond hair. Purple-capped sippy cup. Answers to Mikey. $3 reward. Box 2025.
Lost and Found
FOUND: Blue plastic pen cap to PaperMate disposable ballpoint pen. Some scratching to the underside. Pocket clasp slightly bent. Found by side of road. Rest of pen crushed. Please call to claim. NOTE: Due to the high cost of advertising, I will run this ad for only eight more weeks, after which the pen cap will be handed over to the police. Box 8231.
FOUND: Large aluminum lamp posts with working light. Found abandoned at side of road. Also 15 traffice meters and 2 mailboxes (with mail). Box 614.
LOST: Cullinan diamond. 3,106 carats. Great sentimental value. If found, please contact Elizabeth. $20 reward. Box 8428.
THING FOUND: Contact me telling me what the thing is, where you lost it, and describing any identifying features. Box 6555.
Pets
LABRADOR PUPS. Purebred. Dewormed. $500 each or 2 for $1000. Box 6671.
LABRADOR WORMS. Freshly extracted. Play with them on their own, or insert them into any Labrador for hours of fun. Box 6671.
Apartments
ONE BEDROOM. Includes bed. Would make useful addition to any home. Could be used for storage. Box 4412.
ROOMMATE WANTED for attractive lesbian couple. Would prefer overweight, middle-aged, balding male. Must not be shocked by our naughty antics. Box 6969.
PRIVATE PENTHOUSE APARTMENT. Rest of building demolished. Incl. long ladder and winch for groceries. Box 602.
LOCATION LOCATION LOCATION. Large barrel overlooking river. Needs replacement wood. New hoops. Land not included. Box 254.
Personals
ARE YOU THE YOUNGISH WOMAN with purple hair and nose stud in Chapters bookstore last Wednesday? I pointed out a science fiction book you might be interested in. I felt a connection. Am I right? Let's get together and see. Box 2040.
MAYTAG REFRIGERATOR seeks brass desk lamp with green shade for discreet intimate encounters. Box 3111.
ARE YOU THE SLIGHTLY OVERWEIGHT LADY WITH POODLE with blondish hair and a cough? I ran into you in High Park two weeks ago. I complemented your dog, but I think something more passed between us. Let's talk. Box 2040.
SENSITIVE OLD FASHIONED GUY, 59. Balding, a few extra pounds, modest income. Looking for the right woman for companionship and possible matrimony. Must be an A-list Hollywood actress. Blonde preferred. Porn stars considered. Box 1943.
LOOKING FOR LOVE IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES. Have searched in grocery freezers, sewer grates, in exhaust of buses. No luck at all. Any advice gratefully accepted. Box 912.
ARE YOU THE CHINESE OR JAPANESE WOMAN moving refrigerator with her unattractive friend on Lilley Rd. on Tuesday? I said it looked like hard work for two little ladies. I felt a vibe. Let's connect. Box 2040.
