ARCHIVE
Evidence suggests ailing pet not sent to "nice farm"
Nine year old Toronto Ontario resident Ashley Manheim says she has found evidence to suggest ‘Dukey’, her 11-year-old mixed breed hound did not go away to live at a "nice farm", as her parents told her.
2009-09-03
Oh Henry is unlike poo, say experts
Representatives of the confectionery industry have announced a new initiative to educate consumers about the wide-ranging differences between an Oh Henry chocolate bar, and poo.
2009-09-02
Disease shortage affects millions
A new study at the Centres for Disease Expansion revealed that only 70 percent of the population has an illness or medical disorder of some kind. Team leader Dr. Pran Feesberg said investigators were "shocked" by the results.
2009-09-01
Mild-mannered America revealed as Superpower
The world's nations were shocked yesterday to discover that America, a mild-mannered and respectable nation who works in the film industry, is none other than The United States, a crimefighting superpower.
2009-08-29
Kennedy "ugly head" curse strikes again
Ted Kennedy died of brain cancer, while waiting for the passage of the universal medicare that might have paid for his treatment and saved his life. However, name magic experts say that the real problem for the Kennedys is not medical, but the curse of the family name - Gaelic for "ugly head".
2009-08-27
70s TV Detectives investigate Jackson death
A group of top 1970s TV detectives have been recruited by Los Angeles police in the ongoing investigation into the death of pop star Michael Jackson. The crime-solving "dream team" claim they have already made significant progress in the case.
2009-08-26
New types of weather on the way
We polled 100 of the world's top weather experts and asked them what new weather we could expect in the next ten years. From "Sky Fire" and "Limp Wallys", their answers may surprise you.
2009-08-25
Miss Universe discriminatory, say aliens
Miss Venezuela, Stefania Fernandez, was crowned Miss Universe 2009 on Sunday, but victory celebrations were half-hearted following accusations by aliens that the Miss Universe pageant discriminates against other parts of the universe.
2009-08-24
Holy Ghost to leave Trinity
The Holy Ghost announced yesterday that it would be leaving the Trinity, citing "creator differences" as the cause of the breakup. Insiders say that the Holy Ghost has been feeling left out and ignored for some time, and resented taking a back seat to Jesus in church publicity.
2009-08-20
Man is conjoined with self
A routine trip to the doctor became a journey into the medical history books for Cliff Boletus, a 38-year-old actuary from Buffalo, New York, when doctors discovered that he is actually conjoined with himself.
2009-08-19
US dollar to go on drunken rampage
The US dollar has had a bumpy ride over the past few years, but this is nothing compared to what's in store, say top economists, who predict that, unless it mends its ways, the currency faces a future of alcoholism, shameful behavior, and deadly violence.
2009-08-18
Marilyn Monroe must be shared, say men
The Los Angeles widow who is selling a burial plot above the one occupied by Marilyn Monroe faces opposition from men, who say the beautiful, dead star should be shared.
2009-08-17
"Royal gene" discovered
Researchers have found the genetic mutation in human DNA which is responsible for making someone a member of the British Royal Family. The discovery sheds new insight in the ancient origins of the royals, and allows future monarchs to be identifed sooner.
2009-08-15
Obama: "Death Panel" crushers are humane
President Obama continued to deny persistent rumors that his health care proposals would create a government "death panel". Said Obama, "It is actually two panels, pushed together by hydraulic presses".
2009-08-14
Internet to be completed by 2010
Officials have announced that the internet will be completed in 2010, ten years ahead of schedule. The massive effort has been underway since the 1960s, when it was first launched as ARPANET. It its first year, it contained 32 emails, a picture of an American flag, and a web page about ponies
2009-08-13
Climate change sets Bermuda Triangle adrift
The mysterious disappearance of a Russian cargo ship has climate scientists fearing that global warming has set the Bermuda Triangle adrift on the ocean, leaving a trail of destruction in its wake.
2009-08-12
Fifth Beatles to reunite
George Martin, Pete Best, and Phil Spector have announced that the Fifth Beatles are to re-form. They plan a series of concerts across Europe and North America, featuring the band's trademark record producing, drumming, singing, and murdering talents
2009-08-11
Human lifespan extended by using dog years
A scientific breakthrough may allow humans to reach previously undreamed of ages, through the use of "dog years". Researchers at the Bethesda Institute for Aging found that Canine Annual Equivalents (CAEs) greatly increased human lifespan.
2009-09-10
Hudson River airport plans scrapped
The recent crash between a small plane and a helicopter full of tourists over New York's Hudson River has claimed more than human lives - it has also scuttled plans to use the river as a New York City airport.
2009-08-09
US drones sting Bin Laden
A group of American drones launched an attack against Osama Bin Laden last night, stinging the Al Qaeda leader on the face and hands. The swarm of six drones were bees from the US 51st Airborne Insect Group. Until now, the US has only used large, artificial drones.
2009-08-07
Copyright symbol creator sues corporations
Media giants faced an unexpected blow to their intellectual property rights today, when retired graphic artist Ralph Cumin filed a lawsuit for copyright infringement. Cumin designed the circle-R and circle-C symbols widely used in corporate logos and copyright notices.
2009-08-06
SMACKDOWN! Who is the best Diarist?
Anne Frank vs. Samuel Pepys
Who is the best diarist - Samuel Pepys or Anne Frank? It's been the subject of many a furious argument, bar room brawls, and even a murder. But now the decades-long debate may finally be over, thanks to research carried out by the Department of Pugilistic Semiotics at the University of Stockholm.
2009-08-05
Clinton takes on North Korean military
President Clinton has arrived in Pyongyang to rescue jailed US journalists Laura Ling and Euna Lee using "maximum force". He has vowed to pay "a little visit" to North Korean leader Kim Jong-il.
2009-08-04
Saudi Arabia flies from "indecent" planet
Saudi Arabia has left the planet, citing "gross indecency" and "religious error" as the reasons for its departure. The country's conservative religious leaders summoned an enormous Roc, a magical Arabian bird, to carry the nation into the sky.
2009-08-03
New Twitter messages to be 1 character long
The social networking site Twitter is slashing the length of tweets from 140 characters to just 1. Said Mary-Ellen Twitter, inventor of the service. "We've taken the fundamental unit of communication - the character - and put it front and center."
2009-08-01
Canadian PM may have worms
It is reported that Canadian prime minister Stephen Harper may have worms, after worm medication was found in his recycling bin. This and other breaking Canadian news in The Canadian Bit.
2009-07-31
Consumer Beat - Testing fake Viagras
The internet is inundated with offers for cut-price Viagra substitutes. But do they really work? We tested four of these products to see whether they deliver on their promises. The results may surprise you, but probably won't.
2009-07-30
African prince shares millions with builder
After many years of sending emails around the world to good people he hoped would help him, deposed Nigerian Prince Arthur Eze finally found builder Al Espensen of Sparta, Wisconsin, and has secured his once locked fortune of 96.6 million dollars.
2009-07-29
Poor turnout for Dead Pride Parade
Canada’s first Dead Pride parade in Toronto’s downtown was a bust this past weekend with no participants willing to come out publicly as dead in front of the whole community.
2009-07-27
US bombs Japan: This time, we got you good
The United States has carried out a massive "sneak attack" air strike on Tokyo, sinking hundreds of yachts and freighters in a belated retaliation for the 1941 attack against Pearl Harbor.
2009-07-26
Dave totally up for it, but Frenchie uncertain
Dave is totally up for it, it was revealed yesterday. Ed and Bong said they were also aboard, but Frenchie said he could not commit at this time. "It was Frenchie's idea," said Ed. "He should be in on it, no question."
2009-07-24
Murderous Oprah forgiven by public, self
Oprah Winfrey formally apologized today for her murderous shooting spree at a South Side Chicago nursing home that killed 14 seniors and sent 21 more to hospital. "But I have found it in my heart to forgive myself," she said.
2009-07-23
Rowling got it wrong says real life Harry Potter
Harry Potter has made billions for Hollywood and JK Rowling, but the man who was the inspiration for stories hasn't seen a penny. "JK Rowling has done wrong by me," says electrician Dave Rimp. "First, she didn't give me any of the money. Second, my life story has been totally changed."
2009-07-22
Piece of rubble found beneath survivors
A small piece of rubble was removed unharmed from beneath the collapsed survivors of a Burlington apartment building this morning, after being trapped for more than 76 hours beneath the tangled mass of healthy humans.
2009-07-21
Moon landings faked on Pluto
On the fortieth anniversary of the first moon landing, NASA head Charles Bolden admitted that the 1969 moon landings were a hoax filmed on Pluto.
PLUS: Moon photo test - could you have spotted the errors?
2009-07-20
Collision repair all in a day's work for quantum mechanic
Five years ago, Dave Bankit was a struggling auto body specialist. Now he fixes subatomic particles, and physicists are lining up to for him to repair their smashed protons, neutrons and pi-mesons.
2009-07-11
Computed: The world's most beautiful woman
EXCLUSIVE! The perfect woman may not exist in reality, but scientists now know what she would look like. The discovery follows five years of painstaking work by researchers at Montreal's McGill University, who digitally selected and blended the best features of the world's most beautiful woman, to create a single composite face, which is revealed here for the first time.
2009-07-17
Japanese space module Kibo not set to unleash destruction on unsuspecting Earth
Space shuttle astronauts have completed work on Kibo, the Japanese space module. "Kibo is intended to advance science - to do good," said Tetsuro Yokoyama, kindly deputy manager of the project. "And yet, everything may change," added his assistant, the shadowy figure known as Desslok.
2009-07-19
Dick Cheney was in your house late at night
Documents released under Freedom of Information statutes have revealed that U.S. Vice President Dick Cheney, in the years 2002 through 2008 was frequently in your house late at night.
2009-07-17
Woman finds "lucky penny" dating from Big Bang
Eileen Mueller, a factory worker from Morse, Saskatchewan, was amazed to discover that the penny she had picked up off the road was a priceless relic from the dawn of the universe.
2009-07-18
Anglo Saxon poems to toilet repair: Our Eight Top iPhone Apps Picks
We've scoured literally dozens of new iPhone apps then chosen a few at random to throw together into an ill-conceived article. Take a look at our top eight picks.
2009-07-13
Swine flu a flop - upgrade planned
Scientists at the World Health Organization have announced a new upgrade to the troubled H1N1 Swine Flu virus. The new version, H1N1.1 has now been released on a limited scale for beta testing, and will be ready for a widescale rollout in two months.
2009-07-16
Heather Mills McCartney to marry Jonas Bros.
Heather Mills McCartney is going down the aisle again in September, this time marrying sensational pop trio the Jonas Brothers. "I'm marrying for an old-fashioned reason," said the former biped model. "It's the love between a woman and three men. I have a profound and romantic connection to Kevin, Joe and the other one.”
2009-07-15
Warcraft, EverQuest good for kids say Dwarves
Far from isolating children from friends and reality, games like World of Warcraft and Everquest help them to become productive members of society, say researchers in the Dwarven city of Ironforge.
2009-07-15
US moving to China
President Obama announced today that the United States will pack up and move to China at the end of next month. Citing America's economic woes, Obama said the nation had "no choice" but to make the 7,000-mile move.
2009-07-14
Madonna given 150-year prison term in Ponzi sentencing mixup
Following a tragic typo, singer Madonna has been sentenced to 150 years in prison for bilking investors out of more than $65 billion. Red-faced officials said the judge was confused. "He said Madoff, and he meant Madoff, but he wrote Madonna."
2009-07-12
Mathematicians celebrate baffling new proof
Mathematicans around the world were celebrating today, after the announcement that Glimpi's Conjecture had been proved by Edward Chen and Elias Gruenwald at MIT. Reaction from mathematicians worldwide was swift. "Whatever Glimpi's Conjecture is, it sounds like these young men have solved it," said Roger Plapper, from Britain's Royal Society of Sums.
2009-07-10
Batch of E Coli recalled, may contain Listeria
Health officials in Michigan have recalled thousands of cans of E. coli over fears that it may contain the deadly Listeria bacteria. Affected brands include are E-Col-Hi, Crampy Grampy, GermBlest, and Quik Poop.
2009-07-09
Palin picks imaginary friend as 2012 running mate
Sarah Palin has surprised political pundits by naming a virtual unknown as her 2012 Presidential running mate. Princess Beebee Platypus, first appeared to Palin when she was 4 years old, and shares most of her political views.
2009-07-08
Minister says Star Wars not "a long time ago"
Rev. John Towers of Raysville, Kentucky claims that the movie Star Wars goes contrary to the teachings of the Bible. The minister's anger is directed at the film's famous opening words - "A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away". "This is a lie foisted on the credulous masses by scientists at Industrial Light and Magic," says Towers. "According to Scripture, the events in Star Wars occurred in the early 1930s."
2009-07-07
Michael Jackson funeral to be hit TV series
US networks have announced plans to extend the Michael Jackson memorial into a weekly series, to be shown simultaneously on all channels. The show will feature the gold casket of Michael Jackson, being entertained by a series of musical guests.
2009-07-07
Earth to freeze - Climate skeptics thrilled
Our planet is doomed to freeze into a lifeless, icy sphere, say researchers. The new results overturn earlier predictions of a global warming. Climate skeptics are delighted. "Now, after all the denials, we have hard proof that we are right. This is a wonderful, wonderful day."
2009-07-06
Courtroom abstract artist claims wrongful dismissal
Courtroom artist Kristie Glands is suing the Wertner International News Group for wrongful dismissal. "I was hired to portray the court as I see it." she said, "And this is how I see it - as a rich kaleidoscope of fast-changing colors, bound by the rigid procedures of the judicial environment."
2009-07-05
N. Korea successfully test-crashes 7 missiles
North Korea has conducted successful test crashes of seven ballistic missiles. One missile corkscrewed through the sky, flipped, and smashed sidelong into the Sea of Japan. "It was meant to do that," said Lt-Col-Journalist Kim Dog Park
2009-07-04
Classified Advertising
In response to several concerned emails, we would like to assure our readers that you may visit our classifed advertising page without fear of violating government secrecy laws. The word "classified" refers only to the groups in which the ads are placed. However, you may not visit our "Top Secret Advertising" pages, and links to it have been removed from this site.
Dinosaur scientists scared of skeletons
Paleontologists are leaving their field in record numbers, and the problem is skeletons. “Skeletons are the most scary thing known to science, but unfortunately, that’s what this field is all about,” said Erasmus Cope, Professor of Dinosauric Studies at the University of Alberta.
2009-07-02
Pope proposes Catholic-Muslim merger
Pope Benedict XVI said Sunday that it was time for a merger between Christianity and Islam. Speaking to a crowd of thousands, he made a case for the new religion, which he called Catholicislam. "I am willing to wear that Arab head thing. And we have come up wiih a great new logo for the new religion. Let's do this."
2009-07-01
Michael Jackson "black box" found
Investigators have recovered the black box of downed “King of Pop” Michael Jackson, just hours before the search was to be called off. The pop singer’s voice and data recorder is designed to emit signals with an infectious beat for 30 days after an accident.
2009-06-30
Small arms bring big football wins for Hellions
The Timberville Hellions finally ended their long losing streak with a 10-0 win against the Granby Cougars, after trading their blue uniforms for dapper green camouflage and automatic weapons.
2009-06-30
Titanic struck a Hindenburg claims expert
A local realtor has discovered that the sinking of the Titanic was actually caused by its collision with the huge German airship, not, as was previously believed, a large piece of floating ice.
FAST FACTS
On this day in history, it was Wednesday
THE ARTS
Writer wins writing competition
Pinedale writer Olson Greeton takes first prize in our 2009 Readers Fiction Competition, with his stark and original short story "Watch Men", published here for the first time.
SOME TOP STORIES
US moving to China
Our top 8 iPhone apps
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