Author: DailyWeek
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Soccer Socker Shocker
In a statement that shocked sports fans around the world, FIFA president Sepp Blatter admitted yesterday that the goals in professional soccer are all faked, and that the game exists only to sell socks. “Soccer is now, and has always been, about socks,” said Blatter. “The goals, the running around on the grass, the fouls,…
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My sordid life as a rock idol – Bingo’s Banana Splits shocker
It’s been over 40 years since the smash sixties rock group The Banana Splits rocked the charts and the airwaves with their infectious fire station menagerie sound. But now, drummer Bingo has rocked the music establishment with his revelations about the band’s shocking, sordid, secret life. “From the outside, we had it all,” said Bingo,…
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“Modest Dalek peacekeeping force” to augment troops in Afghanistan
KABUL – NATO Secretary General Anders Fogh Resmussen announced today that the alliance would phase in Dalek forces in its operations in Afghanistan. Said Resmussen, “We fully intend to withdraw foreign troops from Afghanistan. But Daleks are not foreign. They are alien. And there is a big difference.” The mutant alien life forms, encased in…
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Airliner stuck aloft in volcanic cloud
Rescuers continued efforts to free the airliner which became lodged in the cloud of ash on Wednesday evening. The plane struck the ashbar while cruising at 40,000 feet, minutes after Captain Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger caught sight of the cloud, believed to be fallout from the recent Icelandic volcano eruption. Sulllenberger quickly slipped the plane into…
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Early humans bred with many types of animals says donut store regular
Fact: Humans bred with animals. I know what you’re thinking. No way. But, yes, because – think about it – there must have been a first human, right? So, before that they were all animals, right? So – who did that human breed with? Animals! Stands to reason.
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Young insurance executives beat Minesweeper
In a moment that resembled a scene out of The Hurt Locker, three insurance executives at have cracked Microsoft’s Minesweeper game.
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“I’m a hero,” says Sully after more water landings
Captain Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger and First Officer Jeffrey Skiles reunited in the cockpit to take charge of a flight from North Carolina to New York City. He then astonished and thrilled passengers by landing his plane in the Hudson for a second time. “Just as we were approaching the airport, a goose flew into each…
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New rudest word discovered
A team of vulgarity scientists at the University of Dublin has confirmed the existence a new word which is believed to be ruder than any yet known. It is nearly three times more obscene than the current rudest words, with a offensiveness index of an incredible 2.75. By comparison, “bum” rates a mere 0.12, while…
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World not realistic enough say reality show fans
Reviews from reality show fans suggest that the real world falls short of their expectations, and unless steps are taken quickly to improve the situation, they will give up on it. Cynthia Narwhal was inspired by the series The Apprentice to get a receptionist job at a real estate development company. But instead of intense…
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New Patrick Swayze joke in the works
After the tragic death of Patrick Swayze, comedians are scrambling to celebrate the actor’s life by coming up with a joke for the occasion. A team from Harvard has been working on a joke for several months. They announced that they were very close to completing a joke. “Swayze was in the movie Ghost,” said…